consolation

I know it’s been so long since I posted last blog. It’s totally my fault and I won’t look for any kind of excuses, too busy working, got no time or whatever. But I never stopped writing, that’s one great thing for sure.

I feel kind of wasted lately, because there seems to be a lot of spare time for me to do so many things that I always wanted to but all I ever did was playing heartstone and going to gym and watching TV and practicing oral English every fucking day. I know that I AM getting better, in the slowest way maybe. I get worried about myself from time to time because I know I can’t keep doing this, I can’t just live like this for the rest of my life.

I keep telling myself I gotta work harder, but I never knew how to deem it. I mean, how hard must I work and learn to reach to the things that I want. Is it enough now? Will it ever be enough?

I think I need a sign. So many things have changed during the very last year, in both good ways and bad ways. Graduation, people come and go, KD left Thunder, etc. It was hard to going through all these changes but I think I’m getting used to it. I’m trying so hard not to get influenced by these things. But I still can’t change the things that already happened.

Now my life has come to a cross road, and I’m gonna have to make choices. I’m always good at making choices because I seldom regret. But now I wonder, because I have no idea if there’s any chances for me, or all I have ever seen was false hope. I have no clue.

It may sound ridiculous that all I wanted was just a girl. But she was never a random girl for me. I like her so much. I’d go a million miles for her. I’d do so many things for her, quit the job, leave the city, give it all away, I don’t fucking care. All I want is just a chance that tells me it is all possible.

Or whatever, maybe I want different things after. Who knows? Right? OKay, we both know I didn’t mean it.

I’m alright, I’m ok, I’m fine. I will work harder. I will get what I deserve. I just need some consolation. Now this is my consolation.

The end.